Silent Moments, My Story
This past year has held some major growth experiences and I wanted to share more about my story. Please know that Heather and I are doing great and have seen God's hand in the details of our lives. Our hope is that by sharing our story, others in similar situations will feel less alone. Our story is our unique perspective, and we know that everyone’s story will be different.
-David & Heather
I was 12 years old when I knew something was different about me. I had no idea why I felt this way. One day I took a solo walk to our “flat land” which is a family lingo for the flat backyard as our house sat on a large hill with a 2nd driveway as a path to this “flat land.” Anyway, I took this walk and we have a creek running through the side of the property and I found a place to sit. There I cried out, “God please forgive me for the thoughts I am having and to take them away from me.” I was having attractions to men and had no context as to why.
Time went by and felt like I should not tell anyone about this or ask if this was even normal. I kept it locked deep down inside of me. My friends started to form obsessions with crushes and dating, I was far from that. Dating was not something I looked forward to. In fact, I figured out that if I told people I made a promise to God that I would not kiss a girl till after my mission, my thoughts/attraction would be changed. I went on a few dates but mostly to fit in the crowd. I developed good friends and thought I would tell someone I liked them but I was not physically attracted to them but enjoyed the friendship. It was weird and strange to me. For my 16th birthday, I got my first DSLR camera and it became my best friend and found every excuse to use it for youth dances as I could hide behind it capturing photos and feel needed vs trying to dance with girls. It became my mask.
I was blessed to be homeschooled during high school as it allowed me to get to know myself better without the influence of peers each day. I developed a love for photography, writing, and helping a hospital with a support group for the deaf. It was mostly me and that was enough. I figured if I was a “little” different, I could just hide behind the fact that I was deaf and loved my creative self. Being deaf and having cochlear implants become my identity that I felt everyone loved about me. I developed a blog titled, “Silent Moments, My Story” while it was connected to the silence of hearing loss and my story but the “silent” also represented another silent side of me I never wanted people to know. It was not till I was about 18 years old when I was driving to work, where I would often pray out loud in a conversation style, that I uttered under my breath “God, am I gay?” I quickly stopped in my thought and said, “wait, no way, this can’t be real” and pushed that thought way back into my mind. I never wanted to say that again. I am a “Cluff” and that is not me.
I decided to focus on preparing myself for the church mission and thought, “maybe this will heal me and I will meet someone to marry.” While the latter is true, the first did not come to reality. I entered the training center and I was quickly reminded that I am not like the other guys. In my district, was Sister Heather Walker. I remember she had a loving and wholesome presence. While my companion would play basketball with all the other guys, I found myself taking walks around the court track above. Heather and her companion would often walk with me. I never thought anything of it or how I could be talked about as gay. At the time, I was blessed with being naive to all of that and was myself.
Heather and I decided to write our first letter to each other once we were in the mission field. She went to California and I was in Salt Lake City. Our letters became a lifeline as we shared our challenges, triumphs, and dreams. It was never romantic as it never really crossed my mind. It also became a way for me to say, “yeah I am writing a girl” when my other missionaries would ask me who I am writing. Her letters got me through many rough times and she seems to accept me for me. I heard stories of people coming out as gay and it always followed with a negative comment. That pushed me further to stay in the closet.
Fast forward to 2014, I came home from my mission. Life was interesting and I had no idea what direction to go in life. I was NOT ready to date but my dad made a deal for me to go on one date within the first month of being home. I reluctantly went on a date with someone who had some common interests but felt nothing. I remember attending YSA and feeling so out of place, unsure, and just wanting to know what to do in my life. My parent's house is close to a nature park where I would go running (sometimes) and on one run, I found a bench and prayed, “God, what am I supposed to do?” and as clear as day, I had the thought, “Fly to Utah and take Heather on date.” I then told my mom about it and then I bought a plane ticket the next day and was planning to leave within a short time. I was excited to go hang out with a dear friend I had gotten to know through letters and see what comes of it. We spent a whole day together, met her family, and got to know her more. When I went to drop her off, we exchanged hugs and this hug was such a tender hug where we did not want to let go. I remember kissing her forehead and all I wanted to do was protect her and be with her. It was never sexual but felt like I found my other half who got me. We went on a few more dates where I had my first kiss and then we talked about marriage. It was fast but the timing could not be better. I remember people often saying, don’t spend too much time alone as things can happen if you are not careful. I truly did not understand that as I never had these “urges” that were talked about. I did not think anything of it at the time. In fact, Heather and I never really talked about sex before we got married. Sure we talked about wanting kids. We then got married in December of 2014 and I once again thought, there is nothing wrong with me, I must be healed. But even after we got married, I still found myself attracted to men. We then got busy with our 1st son being born in November 2015.
Around that time I began to learn that my cousin was gay and I closely watched how everyone talked about it. He later passed away from suicide and I decided that I was never talking about my “silent” side of me. My wife and I then started watching The Modern Family TV show and I began to watch closely how Heather reacted to anything related to the gay couple. Heather also had a gay uncle and I too watched how the family talked about them. Life was busy and I suppressed my “silent” side further down. It was not till December 2021 when Heather and I got talking late into the night and we both got vulnerable and I then opened up that think I am gay. That was the 2nd time I ever said that out loud about myself. We cried, and connected and she STILL loved me for me. We spent the next few weeks talking through it. It was an emotional rollercoaster for both of us and we did not dare say anything to anyone else yet. The following months held tears and lots of time to process things. We put on a brave face for everyone else looking at our lives. But deep inside we both wanted so badly to talk to people but did not know what that looked like or how people would view us as we were planning to stay together and raise our family. The next 6 months we grew closer together but desperately wanted to share what we were learning from each other.
August 21st, 2022, started out like any other normal Sunday where I had early morning meetings with the bishopric. After the first block of meetings, my mom and I went to grab my son’s shoes from her truck as he left them at their house the day before. We got talking by her truck about some things. The sun began to beat down on my face and I was sweating profusely. I could feel this pressure build up inside me, “Tell mom! Tell mom!” Mom could tell the sun was beating me down so we moved to a shade to continue talking. Still, I could not think straight as I felt like I was starting to shake and that pressure was reaching the max. The next thing I know I am saying, “Mom, I am gay.” Tears rolled down and I saw mom’s face show nothing but love. We hugged, cried, and hugged. We continued to talk and I kept glancing around to make sure no one else heard me coming out.
The following 7 days proved to be a week of miracles and blessings as my siblings all showed nothing but love and support. Our hearts were truly changing. Our perspectives were shifting and open arms were ever extended. I was truly blessed with the most Christlike family I could ever ask for.
Coming out has not been easy but the people I hold close and who are in my circle are what have helped me reach this point of sharing more of my Silent Moments.
Love,
David