To Desire and Be Desired

This blog post is bringing back the same feelings I felt when I wrote my "coming out letter." I will start this blog with the same sentiments.

The past few years have held some major growth experiences and I wanted to share more about our story. Please know that Heather and I are doing okay and grateful for all the beautiful moments our journey gave us. We hope that by sharing our story, others in similar situations will feel less alone. Our story is our unique perspective, and we know that everyone’s story will be different. -David & Heather

When I first came out to Heather in December of 2021, it caused a whirl of emotions along with questions of "Where do we go from here? We have three kids and built this whole life. What do we do?" Initially, we turned to our religious beliefs for answers. We thought, "Everything will work out" if we keep doing everything we can to stay together. After all, we were both raised with the idea that any good Mormon boy and girl can make a beautiful marriage. We were married in the LDS (Mormon) temple with specific promises tied to eternity. These beliefs pushed us to try everything we could think of to "make it work." The more we tried, the more we found ourselves trying to force something that should be natural. To desire and be desired.

This led to our relationship turning from a romantic marriage to a best-friend-roommate marriage with kids involved. We both still loved each other but it was now more like the best friend type of love. I simply could not fake a deep romantic desire that Heather wanted and Heather knew it would hurt us both more if we kept trying to make it work. We wanted a deeper sense of desire and to be desired romantically. Shortly after I came out, we made a goal to never bring up the "D" word, which was divorce. We were committed to trying to make all this make sense.

That was, in a sense, suppressing both our feelings for something more out of a life partner. We thought we could push aside our feelings and desires for the greater good of our kids and keep peace with the promises we made from our religious marriage ceremony. We did just that, pushed all those feelings aside. Holding hands, kissing, and all the things normal married people do would bring up feelings that remind us of the pain that we can't desire or be desired most authentically.

We often asked, "How long can we keep doing this? Is this what is best for the kids and the example we set?" During 2023, we still could not bring to the surface the "D" word. It stayed locked up. We spent more of our energy deconstructing our lifelong belief system. Stepping out of the box allowed us to learn more about each other and ourselves in such beautiful ways. So grateful we got to go through all that together no matter how lonely and messy it felt at times.

Around New Year's Day, January 2024, late at night, Heather and I found ourselves sitting on the living room floor trying to map out the year and future. We both broke down saying, "I can't picture a future of us together." That was the first time we brought up the "D" word. However, it was more of "what could that even look like?" It was not 100% decided at that time, but we took a few days to consider that future. After some time to process, we both concluded that we needed to proceed with a divorce. By February, I moved into our spare room. We told the kids that we each have different types of mattresses we like and require separate rooms. The kids were excited as they liked to sneak into Heather's room to sleep in her bed and she gladly welcomed it. :)

This separation allowed each of us space to process our feelings and each of us has our own safe space to let the emotions flow. Some nights are harder than others but after almost 6 months, we are getting into a groove and continue to put the kid's needs first. The divorce process is lengthy, and we are in agreement to take it at a pace that we are both comfortable with and what will help the kids the most. Through all this, we have been increasingly aware of the longing we feel to desire and to be desired in all aspects of a relationship.

I will close this with the lyrics from "No Goodbyes (Friends Forever)"

"Waiting for

I don't even know what I've been waiting for

Maybe I just don't want things to change

'Cause a change means that nobody knows

What to do

'Cause I don't even know who I am without you

And I don't even know what I should feel

'Cause it feels like we're breaking in two

......

As we go on, we remember

All the times we had together

And as our lives change from whatever

We will still be friends forever

.....

No goodbyes, just see you later

I know that we'll look back and say

"Damn, those were the days"

There's no goodbyes, just hope to see you soon"