Navigating Faith and Identity: Embracing My Authentic Journey

As you read the following, please know this comes from the deepest part of my heart. In order for Heather and me to process what we are going through, we felt we needed to be open about our journey.

The Hero's Journey: A Reflection

I have been reflecting on the concept of the "Hero's Journey" that I learned about in my English class years ago. It's fascinating how a hero is confronted with a challenge or quest that disrupts their ordinary life, leading them on an adventure. The themes of the journey, such as the Call to Adventure, Refusal of the Call, Meeting the Mentor, Crossing the Threshold, Tests, Allies, and Enemies, Approach to the Inmost Cave, Ordeal, Reward, The Road Back, Resurrection, and Return with the Elixir, resonate with me deeply.

Each person's hero's journey is unique, but there are common threads that many of us experience along the way. While my own journey is still ongoing, I want to share where I am right now by exploring these themes.

1. Call to Adventure: The Journey Begins

Not sure adventure is the right word for this, but journey or climb might be more sufficient. This call or journey began when I realized I was different from my peers by how I was more attracted to men than women. My dreams, fantasies, and pull were always towards men. I knew it conflicted with the norms, teachings, and expectations of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, aka Mormon. However, I was not fully aware of what this journey really meant to me or have the language to understand what I was feeling.

2. Refusal of the Call: Masking My Truth

Initially, I tried to suppress my feelings due to fear, guilt, and the desire to conform to the religious and societal norms imposed by the church community. I thought I could “overcome” these gay feelings by trying to be as pure as possible. I said yes to every assignment, threw everything I had into it, and became known as the kid every parent allows to drive their kids to and from parties. I was trying to achieve perfectionism in hopes I would be “healed”. All my life it was expected that I would serve a mission for the church, get married, and start a family. I then thought serving a mission and sharing the gospel would heal or cure my queerness. Once again, I refused to accept the truth about me.

3. Meeting the Mentor: Unveiling My Authentic Self

Even though getting married did not cure me, it did allow me to meet my wife who became my “mentor” whom I could eventually open up about being gay. Before that, I paid attention to how she talked about her gay uncle or my cousin. We then watched the show Modern Family and again watched how she reacted to the gay couple. It took years before I finally opened up. When I did, she showed so much compassion and love through all of this. Eventually, we opened up to close family and friends. I read every book I could get my hands on about those who have or are currently walking the path I am on. I found mentors from all backgrounds and faiths.

4. Crossing the Threshold: Unmasking My Beliefs

At the beginning of my coming out, I thought, “I can be gay and a believing member of the LDS church.” As I opened up and began to truly look at my faith, beliefs, and expectations, I accepted my sexual orientation and being more authentic without my mask, but I still felt like I had to put on a mask around my belief. Earlier this spring, I reached a point where I needed to be removed from the volunteer position I held in the church. 

5. Tests, Allies, and Enemies: Navigating Challenges

After all that acceptance, I faced internal and external challenges, including reconciling my faith with my sexual orientation, dealing with the rejection or disapproval of family and friends, and finding supportive allies who can provide comfort and understanding.

6. Approach to the Inmost Cave: Questioning My Faith

As I delve deep into my own beliefs, values, and identity, I question the teachings and doctrines of the church that may conflict with my authentic self. I reached a point where attending church was making me physically ill at the thought of trying to mask that everything was fine. I tried to think that we could help be part of the change of expanding more love, understanding, and acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community. I saw others in the faith be put on a pedestal as the example to follow only to find that they needed to step back or change course. This is a nuanced and complex place to be.

7. Ordeal: The Breaking Point

My profound internal struggle or grappling with the tension between my sexual orientation and my religious belief would be the moment I was in the shower and “wondering if all this would be easier for my family if I was just not here.” As each Sunday rolled around, I struggled to gain hope to try and show up with the mask that everything was fine. The words would run through my head “Do it for the kids” even when they are crying about having to attend their classes or simply don’t want to go either. I began to search for more answers and understanding of those who are like me and what they have done. I found a podcast about a man who is gay and as he shared his life story, I found so many points that related to my own journey.

8. Reward: Embracing Authenticity

This is an ongoing journey, but some of the rewards I have seen so far is through self-acceptance, I discovered a sense of peace, self-love, and authenticity. I hope to eventually find a community of like-minded individuals who will embrace and celebrate my sexual orientation and support me in my journey.

9. The Road Back: Rediscovering My Path

Trying to go back to the way things were before I ever came out is out of the question, but my road back is learning more about myself, the world, and how to create the best memories with my family. Teach my kids the importance of their own worth. I still believe in a God who loves ALL his children but don’t see one and only belief system to be the answer for me.

10. Resurrection: Rising Stronger

I anticipate more experiences of personal growth, resilience, and a sense of empowerment as I embrace my identity and live authentically, even in the face of adversity or potential rejection.

11. Return with the Elixir: Sharing Wisdom

I look forward to newfound wisdom, compassion, and understanding of myself and others. I may choose to advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, promote inclusivity within religious communities, or support others who are going through similar struggles.

Conclusion: Love and Authenticity

My intention is to never bring down the faith I was brought up in but to express where I am today. As I stated earlier in this letter, I echo my deepest love once again. This blog has taken me 4+ weeks of editing, writing, and sleepless nights. I don’t know if there is ever going to be a “perfect moment” to share our journey, but we feel it is important to know where I am coming from. Heather and I are taking it one day at a time and learning to be happy and joyful for today.

From a more authentic, coffee-loving, gay dad and friend,

David

“I anticipate more experience of personal growth, resilience, and a sense of empowerment as I embrace my identity and live authentically.”